Private Practice Psychology

We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.
—Virginia Satir, family therapist

You may laugh off the predilection of the psychiatry community in the USA for coining names such as dance or walk therapies, which are based, on pure common sense or on practices that have always been around in various cultures. But then you may feel like giving them a hug. For by calling it a therapy, giving it a name, and ardently promoting it, they often manage to create awareness about a healthy and wholesome habit that is endangered by the bustle of modern life. Hug therapy is a typical example.

Big deal, you say, when you hear the term for the first time. But try to recollect the last time you hugged somebody or somebody hugged you. In all likelihood, it was too long ago. Worse, the answer may be ‘never’ if you are the kind who flinches from physical contact.

So what are we missing out on? Reaching out and touching someone, and holding them tight—is a way of saying you care. Its effects are immediate: for both, the hugger and the person being hugged, feel good.

Touch is an important component of attachment as it creates bonds between two individuals. Cuddling and caressing make the growing child feel secure and is known to aid in self-esteem.

Hugging is a tool of transformation. Hugging brings people closer to each other. I recommend that all loving relationships incorporate hugs as frequently as possible. If you haven’t hugged your spouse or partner in a long time, come to one of my couple retreats and I’ll make it happen! Hahaha…

In psychoanalysis, the couch symbolized the distance from the patient that the therapist had to maintain. The taboo against touch was broken in the heady 1960s and ’70s by the hippies’ love-ins and professionally by some therapists who introduced it in the encounter groups. The idea is to add touch to the powers of speech, listening and observation. The argument goes that the client’s skin can perceive care and reassurance.

Personally, I am strongly against psychologists touching their patients unless asked for by the patients. A psychologist or therapist should never cross the boundaries set by the patient. Especially when dealing with patients who have a history of sexual abuse whereby adults have sexual contact with children on the pretext of touching and cuddling.

Apart from that, I am a strong believer of hugs! I love hugs! It only takes a hug, a heartfelt and warm embrace, to change the lives of others. I am not too concerned about whether “science” can prove that hugs can improve emotional stability, boost immune system, alleviate depression, decrease chronic pain, etc… All I know is that I practice what works. And hugs definitely work! If only to make them feel loved and feel good about themselves.

I have added this in because I have also come to realise that a lot of people do not know how to hug.

HOW TO HUG

Hugging may sound like the simplest thing on earth, but it will help to keep a few things in mind. Non-hugs are no good. In his book Caring, Feeling, Touching, Dr Sidney Simon describes five non-hugs:

I. The A-frame hug, in which nothing but the huggers’ heads touch.
2. The half-hug, where the huggers’ upper bodies touch—while the other half twists away.
3. The chest-to-chest burp, in which the huggers pat each other on the back, defusing the physical contact by treating each other like infants being burped.
4. The wallet-rub, in which two people stand side-by-side and touch hips.
5. The jock-twirl, in which the hugger, who is stronger or bigger, lifts the other person off the ground and twirls him.

The real thing, the full body hug, touches all the bases. Dr Simon describes it like this: “The two people coming together take time to really look at each other. There is no evasion or ignoring that they are about to hug… You try as hard as you can to personalize and customize each hug you give… With a full body hug there is a sense of complete giving and fearlessness. Communication, one uncomplicated by words.

Extras from Karen Kow:

1) It is the attitude and intention that is important. Generally, hug only friends and people you know.

2) Don’t be the first to let go. If someone wants a hug, maybe they want a sincere loving hug (because they are sad or feeling down). This is what many professional energy practitioners call the “7 second hug” whereby it is explained that it takes about 7 seconds for an individual’s energetic vibration to fully penetrate the other individual’s human electromagnetic field (HEF or what psychologists understand as space bubble) resulting in a good feeling of love and assurance.

3) Be aware of people who do not like their personal space invaded. Some people may feel too vulnerable at times to like to be touched.

4) Do not confuse a lover hug with a friend hug. Things might get complicated.

5) Unless you’ve hugged the person before, don’t hug someone without asking first. In addition, use your best judgment in choosing when to hug someone. There are certain situations where one might be embarrassed to be seen hugging someone else.

Many people feel embarrassed or uncomfortable when hugged but I suggest you still go at it because they are bound to feel good afterwards and may even feel grateful to you. When you feel the need to be hugged, ask for one. Any place is good enough for hugging: home, office, school, a party, a conference.

You may, however, feel uncomfortable hugging, for example, at work. In that case, select a more intimate environment, such as at home with friends or at a party.

Here is a beautiful poem on The Power of a Hug by Jill Wolf:

There’s something in a simple hug
That always warms the heart;
It welcomes us back home
And makes it easier to part.

A hug’s the way to share the joy
And sad times we go through,
Or just a way for friends to say
They like you ‘cuz you’re you.

Hugs are meant for anyone
For whom we really care-
From your grandma to your neighbor,
Or a cuddly teddy bear.

A hug is an amazing thing–
It’s just the perfect way
To show the love we’re feeling
But can’t find the words to say.

It’s funny how a little hug
Makes everyone feel good;
In every place and language,
It’s always understood.

And hugs don’t need equipment,
Special batteries, or parts–
Just open up your arms
And open up your hearts.

Red Flags in a Marriage

If you think your marriage is in trouble, it probably is. Every marriage relationship is unique, but there are common warning signs and red flags that indicate problems in the marriage.

Here are some of the more common warning signs of a troubled marriage.

• The two of you bicker a great deal.
• You are withdrawing from one another.
• You don’t fight fair.
• You no longer have fun together.
• You have nothing nice to say to one another.
• You don’t talk with one another about your problems.
• You don’t respect one another.
• You can’t agree on goals and values.
• You don’t trust one another and feel suspicious.
• The level of sexual intimacy in your marriage is low.
• One of you, or both, has been unfaithful.
• Teasing has become hurtful.
• Your spouse tries to isolate you from your family and friends.
• You are happier when your spouse is away from home for an afternoon, a meeting, or for a business trip.
• You realize that there is emotional and/or physical abuse in your marriage.

Don’t Wait to Seek Professional Help

To receive the most from marriage counseling, don’t wait until your marriage is beyond repair to get professional help.